Saturday, August 21, 2010

Love is Indescribable!

It has been quite a battleground this week. For some bizarre reason I was getting really attacked this past week or so (or possibly up until the point I was told I was going to be men's team leader for Cru). My heart and mind have been getting beaten down and it was really wearing me out, and i assume my relationships were wearing as well. Over and over again in my mind are the feelings of inadequacy, of fear, of awkwardness, of being unloved. Some days, I would be alright, and others, I wouldn't know what to think as Satan continually lied to me. How could I possibly influence the other guys in my group? Who would ever listen to me? Why would anyone want to hang out with me?

I came to a point yesterday, where I was sick of it and so I went to worship God at the Friday night worship service. I got there early to do some pre-game reading done and to get ready to beat up this constant source of lies and confusion. When worship started, I focused in on giving my entire heart and mind to worshiping and talking with God. At various points during worship, I would flip open my bible and read something - and on one occasion I flipped to one of my favorite areas: God's promise to the captive Israelites during the Babylonian rule.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 NKJV
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, AND I WILL LISTEN TO YOU. And you will seek me AND FIND ME, when you search for Me, WITH ALL YOUR HEART.

Of all the times I had doubted, I knew God was listening to me. Worship continued going amazingly as I just focused on God. You ever have those instances where you are worshiping, and you can't do anything but look up? It almost seems like you are staring at the ceiling, but it's like you are looking past the ceiling, past the clouds, past the planets. Or where you feel so loved by the father that all you can do is wrap yourself up into a ball as he comforts you? You probably all have different experiences but you know the feeling that I am talking about. When I first came to write this, i brainstormed what I would title it. What was I feeling? of various ideas were: Love is comfort, Love is Joy, Love is life, Love is surprising. All of those are correct, but when it came down to it, I felt more than just joy or comfort. What I felt was indescribable.

The pastor kept interjecting worship with prayers that just struck me. He would pray for more love on those that needed it, and just for a fatherly love to guide and comfort. At one point, he even had people pray around people that needed a hug from God. To say the least, I think i was supposed to go that night.

So take heart all you are hurting, confused, or under attack, call upon and pray to God with all your heart and you will find Him. HE WILL LISTEN TO YOU. He will comfort you, provide joy for you, direct you, protect you, and ultimately, He will unconditionally love you.

Its Indescribable!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Love is Addicting

So what do i mean by that? is addicting. There's a whole realm of possible meanings that could take on. You could be addicted to receiving love from others, You could be addicted to the love of giving to others, to the love in relationships (or the sense of not being alone), to the search of love, you could be addicted to the love of inanimate objects like your possessions or money or work, the list really does go on and on, and not all of the addictions are bad forms of love addictions. It's just getting rid of the bad addictions first that's the hard part. This is probably going to be one of the more open and hard posts that i have yet written, but bear with me. I don't feel like this is just a singular problem here that I am facing, but a universal one.

Lately, in a quite convicting manner, I have noticed that I leave way too many doors open to fuel my addiction for searching and receiving love from others. I have been single now for over a year, and until this last year, I had never realized how many things were wrong with me and how many things I have a hard time going without. I was in love with eventually finding someone that would love me for who i was. This last year, I left so many open doors that pretty much whenever someone who incredibly attracted me walked into my life, I tried to see if there was any possibility there. Over and Over again this cycle continued as various attractions became implausible and other ones presented themselves to me. And lately, God has really been grabbing a hold of me and shaking me awake and showing me there is something wrong with this perception. Its hard for me to not find love from others. I think that is a sinful subject a lot of people deal with. We have a hard time when others don't love us or don't even like us. We feel as if when someone disses us, or ignores us, or pushes us away, that our little center of the universe is falling apart, when through all of it, we should be the ones reaching out and loving others and leaving ourselves on the "planet" of Pluto (which i refuse to accept is not a planet!)

I can call what I have been the last year or more "single" but have i really been? When seeking love is still the central idol my life revolves around, am i really single? Just because there is not a significant other in someones life does not mean that they should inevitability call themselves single. From what I have come to believe lately, a single heart is one that is secure. One that is not constantly seeking to be un-single, to be loved, to be filled. Being single means to be completely wrapped up in Jesus, secure and growing in who you are, and loving others with no intention of needing them to love you back. This is so much easier to write then to live.

Here's my goal for myself, and if anyone reads this and wants to join me, feel welcome, but i refuse to leave the door that longs to be loved, to have someone special in my life, open. Whenever I want to feel loved, I am going to give it out instead. I am going to constantly live out everyday growing in the Word of God, enveloped in who He is. With girls, I am going to quit seeking out plausible attractions and just love the girls around me as the sisters they should be. And most of all, I am going to pray because when you talk to someone all the time, you begin to grow together in love. And God is definitely someone I would rather spend my time seeking after! I believe he is the source of the love i find myself so lost in and I will run after it.

I hope and pray that all of us, instead of being addicted to the love we get, get addicted to pouring it out on others; instead of being addicted to relationships, being addicted to your relationship with God; instead of being addicted to a feeling, being addicted to the word of God, which shows exactly what true love is.