Love is Open

I wrote this post in February, 2023 and never went through with posting it. It is now June, 2026, and I felt urged to get back on to this blog and write some things I have learned over the years. I had completely forgot that I drafted this and was shocked by how God spoke to me yet again through these writings. This was exactly what I had been processing lately after a relationship I had recently been in. I originally wrote this at a time of extreme loneliness, grief, and reliance on God. Without going into too many details, my marriage had just fractured for a second time. Living separated, my wife had chosen to make choices that were causing extreme danger to her and extreme hurt to myself. Because of that dependence on God in my grief, he poured into me His unconditional love for her. He increased my boldness, my gentleness, my grace, my unexplainable joy. And in the end, despite my marriage ending, he used that to ultimately redeem her from the path she was heading down and bring her to repentance.

Because of that time, I also recognized a lot in myself that I had become too complacent with. Major areas of my life had gone overlooked in laziness, apathy, fear. I had "left my first love" and decided to "return to where I had fallen, repent and do the first works" as it says in Revelation. Small step by small step, I addressed areas God was convicting me to grow. I joined a small group, spent dedicated time at the park to worship and read, and found ways to pour into others. It was one of the strongest times in my life.

Unfortunately, as time went on, I let myself get distracted. While I had placed myself in areas where I could grow and be in community, I slowly fell back into a dry time where I was more interested in what I was going through than with what others were going through. The last year and especially the last 4 months have completely changed that though. I now find myself back in the same place I was in when I first wrote this post, making the same changes I was making back then. So without further ado, I am just going to post what I wrote:

"I am, and always have been, a very quiet, reserved person. It’s often the first thing people notice or say about me. Commonly faced with opportunities to speak to strangers, speak up in groups, speak wisdom and love into peoples lives, share my life with family and friends, I choose instead to remain silent. Of course, the excuses I feed myself are endless: I don’t want to look foolish, say the wrong thing, be judged, open up only to be pushed away, or the absolute worst, I don’t want to say something right and be praised or focused on. It’s nothing but a lose-lose situation that I trap myself in.

Looking back on my previous posts to this blog, I always thought I could try to use what God was teaching me through life to help others. Maybe as I experienced what love was (and what it definitely was not), I could pass that on to someone that stumbled on to this page. Turns out, I was my own audience. It’s been 6.5 years since my last entry and over and over God has used my own writings to get me through challenges past-self never knew future-me would face. As I look back over those years since then, I stopped writing because of those same fears mentioned before, fears of being judged or praised. As I made mistakes, broke friendships, failed relationships, treated others wrong, I was afraid that people would think I was a hypocrite for constantly not living up to what I was writing. Afraid that people would see how badly I actually applied love in my own life and how many failures have continuously occurred. Afraid that words said against me might actually be true. As Marianne Williamson writes, "We're often afraid of looking at our shadow because we want to avoid the shame or embarrassment that comes along with admitting mistakes." And so we close up. And we close up more. And we close up more. Every mistake. Every awkward moment. Every unloving act. Every failed friendship and relationship. Build a wall, build a wall, build a wall.

I’ve written a few posts about grace over the years, usually about treating others with grace. And while that is important, I’m finding that it is also of utmost importance to give yourself grace. Closing yourself off only restricts progress and only limits God working in your life. You cannot move forward and say or do the right thing if you stop and isolate yourself from future mistakes. God has chosen you and I to shine His light and that cannot be done if we are too afraid to step out from under the bowl we hide ourselves in. God created us and knows who we are. He knows some are more naturally quiet and others are boisterous; some are awkward and others are social butterflies; some enjoy more solitude and others enjoy more personal interaction. We are all different and we all make stupid decisions sometimes, and yet God still empowers and uses each of us in different ways to reach different people. If we choose to follow after Him, he can use the person afraid to speak as a powerful voice into peoples lives. We can step out from our own shadow, open up about our ups and downs, open up about our accomplishments and failures, and let God actually work in our hearts, continually sanctifying us through His grace.

One of my all-time favorite quotes is actually another from Marianne Williamson, although I tweak it slightly to fit a more biblical worldview. “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that [God is] powerful beyond measure. It is [His] light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I [that God sees me as] brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? As we let [God's] light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, [it] actually liberates others."

That is my prayer today. Let us all strive to be more open and trusting with God, with ourselves, and with those around us, and as we do, let us expect God to use that openness to further liberate those around us. We may be afraid. We may be ashamed. We may continuously fail. But never stop trying. “We love because He first loved us” 1 John 4:19

Back to 2026 me, that is still my prayer today. "Father, give us the courage to live a life outside of our natural tendencies, to trust you, to lean on you, and to pour into other's lives. Help us love people where they are at, to care deeply, to be vulnerable, and to build each other up in Your grace. Give us eyes to see those that are hurting around us and that need your love, and also give us the power to be the vessel by which your love is shown. Whether through initiating a simple greeting, getting lunch, standing with someone in the trenches of life. We rely on you but we can only do that by being open. Open to the reality of our sin, open to the truth of your grace, open to the work of your Spirit, open to growth. In your Holy name, Jesus, Amen."

I plan to get back into using this blog, if nothing else but to journal my life. The highs, and even the lows when I don't have the answers and life is hard. I am now almost 38 and have not made a post since turning 28, before I had even married, and now divorced. I have a lot of posts I want to make soon about what's on my mind, and maybe about what I have learned and gone through the last 10 years, but the most important thing is to just continue writing consistently and share life publicly, because...

Love is open

Glacier National Park - September 2023